I'm at Java Beach right now. It's this little coffee shop a few blocks down from my house that I frequent. In the past few weeks I haven't been here very much, but since my house is currently without Internet, and Java Beach provides free Wi-Fi, I am here.

But, I don't feel very good sitting here. I feel like shit, to be to the point. My nose has been feeling dry for the past few days and it's irritating; makes me paranoid I'm going to have a horrific nose-bleed like I used to have during my junior year of high school. It's also pretty hot out today, well, hot for San Francisco, and I'm wearing a sweater with scrunchie turtle neck (it's cuter than my description does justice). I'm not wearing a t-shirt underneath, so I'm kinda just suffering with my sleeves pushed up.

I'm fat. That's the constant, nudging thought hitting me in the head at all times of the day. I ate a veggie sandwich about 20 or 30 minutes ago and I feel pretty shitty. I feel on edge, my body pulsing, a lump in my throat. My self-image has been progressively getting worse as of late, but I don't say anything about it, because I don't think others can tell that I'm starving a lot of the time anyway. I don't make a fuss about not eating anything during the day, only eating dinner. I just say "Nah, I'm not that hungry" & just drink some Diet Coke or green tea.

One of the most awesome things about working (I started working at Chipotle a few days ago), is that I don't get hungry while I'm working, even though I get a free employee meal. I get distracted by all the things I'm learning and all the tasks I have to do. This lack of hunger while I'm working might fade as I get more comfortable on the job, but I guess I'll just hafta wait and see.

Even though I'm using the Internet right now to type out this post, not having Internet has been nice in a way. I mean, if I had Internet all this time, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog post, or doing reading for my classes that I normally either wouldn't do, or would just skim over the day of class. Something about not having Internet makes me become more introspective on myself, all the while making me work more on school related things and hobbies I care about.

Time to waste some time on YouTube and write some poetry or something.
xoxo, Gossip Girl

Boys.

I miss talking to a boy.
I haven't talked to anyone in .. forever.
I want someone to be interested in me.
But, who knows how long it'll take to find someone that's interested in me..

Untitled 10.16.11

It needs work seeing as how I just made it today, but I'm trying to get my work out into the world somehow, so I thought I'd post it here! So here it is; enjoy.

our disintegrating Hiroshima kisses
turned into the sounds of
sex and violins and then
sex and vi-o-lence.

you told me that two plus two
equalled the world was flat.

my body language, tongue-tied
and my blind third eye.

shoulder blade warfare
and you and your strongest bone.

double jointed enjambment and
black bruised wine bottles,
the corkscrew now behind my
parietal's left ear lobe.
"Be good to me,"
                           the nape, now nuzzled,
                                          now muzzled.

loose lips and were
not the problem

It's been a while since I've blogged. Well, I have my Tumblr, but it is honestly thee worst blogging site to write and express yourself.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and by lately I mean tonight, about when I used to have outer-body-experiences. If you don't know what that is, it's when you feel outside of yourself, like your "essence" or something has left your body and is merely watching it just a few rows back. Over the summer I had about three of them. I haven't had one since & I don't know why. I really just want to experience that feeling again. Sometimes I think I'm about to enter that outer-body-state, but then it fades, even if I try to hold onto it. Oh well.

In other news, I'm becoming more self-conscious about my image again. I wish I could just never eat & be waif then, but alas, then I'd die. I'm not really sure if my self-image is changing that dramatically, so I don't want to dwell on this subject.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I don't really know how to write blogs. I feel so self-conscious and like every word I'm saying is artifically constructed as I type it. Perhaps it just takes getting used to. Or maybe it's because all I ever write is poetry. Hahah.

Shee yah lata.

*sigh

Well, blogspot, it has been quite some time, hasn't it?
I suppose I should explain why I'm all up on ya here on this evening.

Ya see, the guy who I have liked/denied myself to like now has a Tumblr (ya know, the other site I left you for) & I cannot post my frustrations on Tumblr for he will see it & I will feel like a complete & utter jackass.

Where do I begin w/ you.. I don't even know how we started hanging out. It all seems so random to me. But I remember I had feelings for you early on in our friendship. I eventually told you of these feelings, but they were pretty shot down, although you did ask me some questions like "If we were to be together ..." Things of that nature. Kinda made me unsure of what you really thought.

Blah.

We still hung out a lot, even after I told you this, & we got superrrrr duper close. I loved it.

Then around spring break time or so, we reallllly stopped talking. I don't even know why. We probably didn't hang out for an entire month. But, we recently did start hanging out again. & ya know what? My feelings are still there. I thought they would be gone by now. But nope, I still get this feeling from you & it won't go away.

I've done things for you I'd never do for any other guy. I drive you around, even when I'm paranoid about my lack of gas. I brought you homemade chicken soup when you were sick 'cus I wanted you to feel better. I buy you food or I share my food with you. I enjoy your company all around.

Last night, we went to Pride Prom. After Pride Prom, we came to my house & got drunk. I wanted to kiss you so badly. Even with the liquid courage in my system, I couldn't muster up the strength. I felt so stupid. The next morning (today), I dropped you off at home. Later on when I was at home, I found your notebook that you had forgotten. I thought it'd be cute to write you a note in there, so I did. I don't know what I was thinking. Ugh. I dropped it off to you. You texted me saying "thanks" but idk if that's in reference to me bringing the notebook over to you, of if you read my note. If it's the latter, I'm disappointed that's all the response I'd get from you.

asl;dkjfal;sdkfja;lsdk

There's more I could write, but my mind is in shambles.

In Case You Were Wondering ...

Tumblr is a lot cooler than blogspot once you get the hang of it.
I encourage you to convert! :)

- TayTay Fo ShayShay

Fuck Titles.

I feel like I have so much to blog about.
But nothing comes to mind when I wanna write something.

That, and I have some stuff I really don't feel like sharing. Haha.

Anyways, summer has proven semi-eventuful thus far.
Which is better than uneventful, as it usually is.
And is also better than eventful, because I hate being busy.

Semi is good for me. Mm.

Let's see,
I've gone to the Del Mar Fair
hung out w/Kaylee & Julie
hung out w/Joy
hung out w/Jay
watched a repulsive amount of movies, one of which has been The Nightmare Before Christmas .. four times.

I don't get why that movie has such a bad rep.
Probably because all those kids we've tagged as outcasts & freaks like it oh so much.
Whatevs though. It's a fanfuckintastic movie.

Anyways,
I've hung out w/Angelique & group for her birthday
hung out w/Kristina
got frozen yogurt three times
& have myspaced & job searched.

It's possible there's more, but to be honest, I don't give a shit.

SO anywho, other plans for summer.
Transformers 1 & 2 w/Joy & Fran & others
Harry Potter w/ Joy & others
OH, & Harry Potter fest at Tiffanys. Haha.
Fourth of July
Beach
Birthday
Get a job
Hang out with those who matter.


That's all I've got so far, & I'm pretty content with it. Mhm.
This really is a pointless blog. I'm just telling you what's been up & what not. Haha.

I guess I just feel like writing & occupying my mind while I stay up late ... for once.


Tomorrow will be quite a day though.
Job hunt ... maybe.
Pick up Fran & go buy movie tickets.
Get gas.
Watch Transformers 1 at Joy's.
Go to midnight showing of Transformers 2 & have a grand ol' time.


Sounds like a plan. Yay for friendsies.



Goodbye.
- Tay Tay Fo Shay Shay