I'm at Java Beach right now. It's this little coffee shop a few blocks down from my house that I frequent. In the past few weeks I haven't been here very much, but since my house is currently without Internet, and Java Beach provides free Wi-Fi, I am here.

But, I don't feel very good sitting here. I feel like shit, to be to the point. My nose has been feeling dry for the past few days and it's irritating; makes me paranoid I'm going to have a horrific nose-bleed like I used to have during my junior year of high school. It's also pretty hot out today, well, hot for San Francisco, and I'm wearing a sweater with scrunchie turtle neck (it's cuter than my description does justice). I'm not wearing a t-shirt underneath, so I'm kinda just suffering with my sleeves pushed up.

I'm fat. That's the constant, nudging thought hitting me in the head at all times of the day. I ate a veggie sandwich about 20 or 30 minutes ago and I feel pretty shitty. I feel on edge, my body pulsing, a lump in my throat. My self-image has been progressively getting worse as of late, but I don't say anything about it, because I don't think others can tell that I'm starving a lot of the time anyway. I don't make a fuss about not eating anything during the day, only eating dinner. I just say "Nah, I'm not that hungry" & just drink some Diet Coke or green tea.

One of the most awesome things about working (I started working at Chipotle a few days ago), is that I don't get hungry while I'm working, even though I get a free employee meal. I get distracted by all the things I'm learning and all the tasks I have to do. This lack of hunger while I'm working might fade as I get more comfortable on the job, but I guess I'll just hafta wait and see.

Even though I'm using the Internet right now to type out this post, not having Internet has been nice in a way. I mean, if I had Internet all this time, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog post, or doing reading for my classes that I normally either wouldn't do, or would just skim over the day of class. Something about not having Internet makes me become more introspective on myself, all the while making me work more on school related things and hobbies I care about.

Time to waste some time on YouTube and write some poetry or something.
xoxo, Gossip Girl

Boys.

I miss talking to a boy.
I haven't talked to anyone in .. forever.
I want someone to be interested in me.
But, who knows how long it'll take to find someone that's interested in me..

Untitled 10.16.11

It needs work seeing as how I just made it today, but I'm trying to get my work out into the world somehow, so I thought I'd post it here! So here it is; enjoy.

our disintegrating Hiroshima kisses
turned into the sounds of
sex and violins and then
sex and vi-o-lence.

you told me that two plus two
equalled the world was flat.

my body language, tongue-tied
and my blind third eye.

shoulder blade warfare
and you and your strongest bone.

double jointed enjambment and
black bruised wine bottles,
the corkscrew now behind my
parietal's left ear lobe.
"Be good to me,"
                           the nape, now nuzzled,
                                          now muzzled.

loose lips and were
not the problem

It's been a while since I've blogged. Well, I have my Tumblr, but it is honestly thee worst blogging site to write and express yourself.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and by lately I mean tonight, about when I used to have outer-body-experiences. If you don't know what that is, it's when you feel outside of yourself, like your "essence" or something has left your body and is merely watching it just a few rows back. Over the summer I had about three of them. I haven't had one since & I don't know why. I really just want to experience that feeling again. Sometimes I think I'm about to enter that outer-body-state, but then it fades, even if I try to hold onto it. Oh well.

In other news, I'm becoming more self-conscious about my image again. I wish I could just never eat & be waif then, but alas, then I'd die. I'm not really sure if my self-image is changing that dramatically, so I don't want to dwell on this subject.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I don't really know how to write blogs. I feel so self-conscious and like every word I'm saying is artifically constructed as I type it. Perhaps it just takes getting used to. Or maybe it's because all I ever write is poetry. Hahah.

Shee yah lata.